The Day After A Day of Rain

The day after a day of rain
is the best day of the year
for a few moments when everything is clear.

And the sun stretches my muscles,
and the wind tousles my hair
and my dress flutters against me
Floating, floating on air.

And my feet dance in their sandals
and my toes wriggle like worms
and my nails shine like the diamonds
Harvested deep in caverns.

This moment my heart rejoices
in all God has given to Earth–
from the veins in the trees
to the rocks in the seas

That always, that always
Know their own worth.

Tuesday

      An umbrella makes all the difference. With proper equipment, such as a pocket umbrella and thick, rubber soled boots, one can easily enjoy a walk in the rain. Without these items, a leisurely and meditative stroll quickly becomes a philosophical battle against God–an illustration of the concept “man versus the universe,” like when Gregor Samsa became a bug or God drowned the whole state of New Jersey (Was that in the Old Testament?)
      Even in heavy rain, a walk is a walk and an excuse to leave the office, where I sit every day, dozing off as the ceiling fan murmurs its monotonous tunes: hmmmhmhmmhmhmhmhm. Because this is a student-centered office, and because there are no students around for the summer, I jump ecstatically out of my seat at the very rattle of the door handle or the electronic buzzing of the telephone. The notion that life exists outside these rooms comforts me, which is ironic if one considers that I spend the day staring at maps and especially computer screens, hypothetical outlets for the imagination;  my imagination, however, now that summer is here and I have no pressing assignments, grows exponentially larger than the office rooms in which I lazily spin day after day after day.
      The task that warranted my soggy walk was a simple delivery errand, yet as soon as I stepped outside, immense determination swelled in me. I must deliver this envelope. I must not get it wet. But what if I should fall into a puddle and drown! Or rather, because the weather has not quite reached Noah’s Ark proportions yet, the more likely scenario would be for me to trip and drop the envelop into a wet, nasty puddle, causing all ink to run and smear and rendering the forms illegible. Then I would have to walk with my tail between my legs back to the office and explain like a wounded child why I had not done what I was told. Or if I was too ashamed to admit my error, I would simply sit under a tree until enough time had elapsed that I could return to the office with an air of false accomplishment and simply ignore my sin until the evidence surfaced that the intended recipient had never indeed received her files. Then I would really be in trouble!
     Luckily nothing of the sort happened. Though the wind did pick up, I managed to tuck the envelope between my shirt and one flap of my jacket (I could not zip it because my other hand held the prized umbrella!) and cover the remaining portion with my elbow. This arrangement I carried out quite well until I reached my office destination, ascended the stairs, deposited the envelope in the shiny wire basket on the front desk, and turned around, at which point I could relieve one hand of the umbrella to button my shirt and jacket. This made the return journey all the better, for now I was much more prepared for precarious weather.
      On my return stroll, I encountered something amazing, and since this is my story and therefore a project of my imagination, I will venture the boldness to say that this little encounter was a gift from God or my guardian angel.
       Instead of retracing my steps, I decided to go a slightly different direction, passing by the softball and track fields and then the four story parking garage. And it is here that my little adventure begins.
      Very distinctly, I heard the sound of concert music–in reflection I understand that the music came from one instrument, but to my very hungry ears it seems as if a concert was happening inside the parking garage. I pictured myself in a grand concert hall, dreamily following the ebb and flow of notes, gazing upon dozens of formal-clad musicians hugging and kissing their instruments as sweet melodies cascaded down gold-laden busts, chandeliers, walls and rugs. I was intoxicated. Not in a lustful way, for this music bore no hint of lasciviousness. Rather I can liken the tune I heard to the idea of a songbird. Not the call of a bird, mind you, but the idea of a bird:  a songbird that appears in my backyard in springtime, fluttering from branch to branch or spins in circles with companion birds, light as the feathers they wear. Something about the ascension and staccato bursts of notes imprinted this image firmly in my mind. I was determined to find the source of this beautiful music.
     I turned at once into the garage, scanning the first floor of parked cars, but to no avail. Quickly I climbed the stairs, came to the second floor and again saw a few cars but no music–though I could hear it more voluminously now. Another set of stairs I climbed and was about to continue to the fourth, as I saw no cars, when a flash of silver caught the corner of my eye. I peeked over the corner wall and–there he was! A tall, lanky bespectacled flautist standing in the abandoned third floor–his cement concert hall. The concert master’s body bobbed with dips in melody, and his fingers ran up and down the instrument as if caressing it. He never stopped save once to turn the page. How long he had been there I could not know, but he seemed to be in a trance and was casting his spell on me as well. I the helpless victim, the soggy wanderer, had been led by my curiosity and imagination into Mr. Tumnus’ cozy cave.
    Of course after a few minutes I was pulled by a string in my heart back to reality and wondered how long I had been standing there awkwardly watching this private ceremony. I could not tell but knew I should get back to the office. With a small bow, I left unnoticed by the master flautist and bounded down the stairs, feeling infinitely rejuvenated.
    I returned to the office, where of course nothing had changed, and I proceeded to write this story. Yet I am still thinking about this boy with the flute, and I admit I envy him. Not that I have any proclivity to flute playing nor desire to learn. As I watched him, I was in awe of his concentration and fluidity, which no doubt results from years of dedication to the music, the fingering, and the performance of concert pieces. But, ah, they are so beautiful! What is it about music that makes me cry? Is it the fullness that abounds when music starts in an empty space? To describe my love affair with orchestral sounds requires more complicated prose than I am now capable of writing. And soon it will be time to go home.
    So I must now leave my exercise in prose and prepare to return to the outside world–the real world, honestly, which is highly scary and all together disconcerting. What if I could have an umbrella to protect me from all sorts of bad news? I’d take the rain any day.

The Potter and the Clay

I went running yesterday, which I hardly do anymore, and as I moved my legs forward and up, I realized that  I’m not as hopeless as I think I am.

Let me explain: I’ve roller-coasted up and down various levels of physical athleticism…meaning, I am not an athlete, nor do I intend to be, but I love to move. When I get stressed out or when I am in school (the two of which are synonymous) I pour all my energy into worrying and simply have none left to spend on exercise.
Sound familiar?
It seems so simple now when you say it like that…
Anyway, I finally went running yesterday, because I got fed up with worrying. So I stepped outside, took a breath and bolted, though more like an old dog than a jack-rabbit.
Now, before you start asking yourself about the most recently advertised health benefits of long-distance running versus apparent risks, or the newest work-out fad, let me just say that I do not run for “fitness” in the glitzy athletic club shiny medal high end sneaker sense of the world…I run, at least, I know I must run, for spiritual solidity. 
How does this work? Good question. Maybe it’s not so much a spiritual thing as it is a unifying in which my body and my spirit think and work together to achieve one common goal: simply moving faster, going higher, breathing longer.
And then I started thinking. I was amazed that, even after months of not running, I could still do so! This seems obvious in retrospect, because of course if I can walk, I can run. But when you don’t do something long enough, you can quite easily forget that you have any potential at all. 
As I realized that my legs hadn’t given up on me, that my muscles are still buried somewhere deep in my flesh, I thought about the Potter and the clay: “Will the pot say to the potter, you did not make me?” No. Will the pot wiggle and squirm and try to reinvent itself every time it notices and fixates upon a crack or a chink? If that pot is me, then yes, it certainly will. This is how I started out yesterday when I decided to run. I thought I would wipe my slate totally clean and begin “new,” as if I could erase twenty two years of living just by putting one foot in front of the other. 

So I put one foot in front of the other…and another, and another, and another, and then I wasn’t running from anything, or running towards anything, or erasing or embracing anything at all. I was just caught in a space in the air, with my feet somehow down on the earth.

Thoughts on a Friday

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about women; not simply women in relation to men, but women as women with agency, uniqueness and life. The gender studies department at my (very liberal) tiny college would be proud..

I watched an incredible movie the other day that sparked this new obsession, called Adoption, and filmed in Hungary. It centers on one forty-three year old worker’s desire for a child: a beautiful outpouring of our human capacity for love and nurturing affection. I was touched and inspired by her strength, her perseverance  her ability to always maintain her composure and never shy away from her own deep desires. Yet the counterbalance of this woman’s sophisticated character is Anna, a seventeen year old foster child who is difficult, moody, and obviously hurt…she is abandoned.  In my own freakish dreams about motherhood, I can’t help but to blur the lines between infants and adolescents. In other words, I think about children only as babies and not as beings who grow up and become independent. Disclaimer: I know I’m much too young to be thinking about this, but if you think about it, the first time most girls play with the idea of motherhood is in their own childhoods. I was driving home this afternoon and saw a mother, holding a toddler, holding a baby doll. Three generations in one fell swoop. I half expected the doll to have a smaller doll to hold. 

I remember having a great talk with my mom, quite recently, about all the wonderful things she did to ensure healthy, smart, active babies, while pregnant and while we were young. Things like home births, homeopathy, Waldorf-style education, blueberry picking, et cetera et cetera. 🙂 I’m very grateful for that! Truly, I think my parents did a top notch job of developing my little self. I just think somewhere along the line things went askew. I think LIFE happened, and they weren’t prepared for it because there’s only so much you can read and prep for before you throw yourself into the water and pray to God you can swim. 

How much can you ever prepare for life? Isn’t that part of the adventure? Is it selfish to throw caution to the wind? Or is it liberating? 

I think both. But slowly growing, I am beginning to see the value in responsibility. Granted, I have virtually NO responsibilities right now, so it’s very easy to say that, but even things as simple as making sure I get home in enough time to sleep and eat so that I don’t CRASH and feel miserable for the next five days is a very underrated yet very important accomplishment! It’s easy to overlook that; especially when you’re in a foreign country, or you are having fun with someone and don’t want to come down. But we all eventually do and have to practice landing with even footing. 

I’m still working on that.

I found this quote on a wonderful blog that I follow (from the book Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore–not the Irish one–apparently there are two poets named Moore):

If we were to observe the soul in the family by honoring its stories and by not running away from its shadow, then we might not feel so inescapably determined by family influences…. 

Honoring its stories…what a grand idea! Every family is a microcosm of joy and pain and indelibly unique experiences, so how can we not celebrate them? Even the memories we hate are part of us. Just like bruises and scars, we wear them on our hearts, in our eyes, on the tips of our fingers, on the breaths from our noses and lips. We wear our families, for better and for worse. I suppose escapism then can only take a person so far, because we cannot ever escape our own skins!!

We assume we are ineluctably who we are because of the family in which we grew up. What if we thought of the family less as the determining influence by which we are formed and more the raw material from which we can make a life.

Raw material. Eyes, nose mouth, lips, tongue, teeth, throat, heart, guts, lungs, body and bones and brain and speech and ears to hear and eyes to see and hands to hold. Hands to hold. Babies to make, books to carry, bread to bake. Shall the clay pot deny the hands that fashioned it and say “you did not make me?”

How can we fashion ourselves without first molding to the warm touch of the Potter who made us?

Two extraordinary women. (From St. Silouhan’s Chapel at the Toronto Mission in Canada)