Pen and Palette: The Spirit of Truth

Pen and Palette: The Spirit of Truth: The difference, I think, is that when we ask the Holy Spirit’s help, our own spirit quits warring with Him so much.

Beautiful words from someone I admire very much. If you’re not reading her blog regularly, you should. It’s good soul nourishment ūüôā

Summer Reading

When I was in grade school, there was nothing I abhorred more than assigned summer reading. I’m not even sure why, though I think it has something to do with the fact that I don’t like being told what to do. It could also have stemmed from the complex that my mom loves to call “expecting to be a¬†prodigy” without putting in the time, which is completely true. But more than anything, I avoided summer reading like the plague. I remember how sweet those first few May days of freedom felt, when school was done and I could wander about the house completely weightless, turning on the television or rolling around on the carpet or sitting on the balcony for hours with my stuffed animals. Ah, summer!¬†
And then inevitably, a few hours later, came that infamous complaint: “I’m booooooooored.”¬†
“Why don’t you start reading one of your summer reading books?”
“Just kidding, I’m not bored anymore.”
And the cycle continued, through June and July, through picnics and summer camps and family vacations and car rides. 
“Mel, why don’t you do some reading for a few hours.”
“I can’t, I have to perfect my witches broom” or simply, “No, I don’t want to” without any better excuse.
I still don’t understand why I was so obstinate. I was a fairly imaginative kid, and I did read a lot, but I read a lot of fantasy and then as I got older, that horrible bastard child of fiction, Teen Fiction. I wish I had had better taste as a youngster!

All this is to say, that when I spent last semester off, I essentially forced myself to read, because I was convinced that nothing could be a more productive use of otherwise useless time. And I still believe that. And now I’m in love with reading. (Hear that, Papa!)

And so once again, I find myself with very few responsibilities, something that I don’t handle very well. And once again, I said my prayers, read Psalm 103, took a shower, and remembered that God is in control…I am not. As obvious as it seems, for me it is very easy to forget that God is ultimate and I am small. For a long period of time, when I was coming back to Christianity and Orthodoxy, I immersed myself in philosophy and theology because I needed to logically arrive at the paradoxical conclusions of Christian faith. And I have grown stronger in my faith, much stronger, and I feel completely¬†overwhelmed¬†with love and gratitude for that faith that God has given me.
But now comes another challenge, less philosophical and far more practical (which I have trouble with as is): how does one carry this faith in one’s heart inside a world as bent and broken and narcissistic as ours? Essentially, how does one keep the faith? I hear in my head the usual responses: prayers, fasting, alms giving. It seems so simple. But how can one remember one’s own limitations when this world is choking us and pleading with us to become larger than life?
Once again, I turn to CS Lewis. The Screwtape Letters became my mantra for getting me through last semester, and now I find Perelandra a beautiful, if not horribly authentic, painting of our own God-complexes:

“‘But how could anyone love anything more? It is like saying a thing could be bigger than itself.’
‘I only meant you could become more like the women of my world.’
‘What are they like?’
‘They are of a great spirit. They always reach out their hands for the new and unexpected food, and see that it is good long before the men understand it. Their minds run ahead of what Maleldil [God] has told them. They do not need to wait for Him to tell them what is good, but know if for themselves as He does. They are, as it were, little Maleldils.'”¬†

The more I read of Dr. Weston and he egoistic God-complex, the more I shudder and become¬†nauseous, not because what he is saying sounds so foreign, but because it sounds so real! I can’t stand the fact that I understand exactly what he is saying.
But I suppose this is one of the many, many beautiful gifts we receive as readers. We go outside of ourselves and enter the worlds of others, and inside those worlds we find wonders and parallels that we otherwise would never have known. And there is no better way to go on adventure without ever leaving your back yard. 
So, with that, I list my own, slightly grown up summer reading list, to the perseverance of knowledge and hopefully humbling of self:

Perelandra and That Hideous Strength, books two and three of The Space Trilogy by CS Lewis
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky
One Thousand White Women by Jim Fergus
What The Internet is Doing to Our Brains by Nicholas Carr, recommended, ironically, by my English professor

I also have several books on the history of Israel as well as a Go Israel tour book that will make for some delicious twelve hour plain reading.

Praise ye the name of the Lord. All ye works, praise the Lord. Alleluia!

Fasting…Ironic for a blog centered on food…

“If we can‚Äôt discipline ourselves in terms of what goes into our mouths, we will hardly be in a position to discipline ourselves with regard to what comes out of our mouths.”

Tonight, I googled “Orthodox fasting and eating disorders.” I came across this website:¬†

Amazing that my questions were answered so simply. No, I wasn’t the one who made the inquiry on the website, but I thought the exact same things. This being the first advent I’ve willingly participated in (horribly, too), it’s proved to me far more difficult than I ever could have imagined. Here’s what I thought would happen: Not eating meat and dairy for forty days? Cool, I’ll lose weight. My skin will probably clear up, and I’ll be helping the environment.” In my hazy atheistic narcissistic days, veganism was something I loosely followed, because it was chic in my eyes, just like helping the planet and saving whales. I thought I was a martyr. Ick.

I should probably also mention that I have a history with disordered eating. Now that the fast is almost over, it’s just now hitting me how much of a disordered eating approach I’ve taken to Advent, and I’m ashamed of myself. Truly. The process of binge eating (which sadly leads to binging and purging) involves eating (involuntarily, it often feels) copious amounts of food, usually after going several hours longer than typical without food. It occurs in dieting quite a bit when one deprives oneself of vital macro and micro nutrients obtained through plant and animal foods (yes, both).¬† So, I’m no stranger to the process, having been on every possible diet imaginable. Usually what I would do was eat little to no protein, fat, or carbs, and then wreak havoc on a jar of peanut butter or some fat free potato chips. My body was crying out for nourishment.

We cannot survive without food. It is essential. It can also be wonderful, especially when lingered over with family or friends. But so often I hate food, because I allow it (or some facet of it) to have power over me. And that’s what this fast became for me. Another way for food to have power over me.

So clearly I missed the point!

Another great point the aforementioned website brings up is the fact that fasting is not, NOT, a form of self deprivation, suffering. I mean, it is suffering, in that I have to suffer through another peanut butter sandwich and suffer through not eating ice cream for forty days, but that’s the backwards thinking, not the true joy of fasting! “We fast in order to get a grip on our lives and to regain control of those things that have gotten out of control.” Like self indulgence and greed. Ironically, the process of choosing a college is possibly one of the most narcissistic indulgences, and for that to be happening during a Great Fast is just cruel. God, why are you doing this to me?!?!

Calm down, Melanie. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. Maybe you can use these next few days to remember that. I feel light, and like I’ve gone through this before. Maybe I have and am just sluggish so I can’t remember.